Bijli ka bill kon bharega ?

I resigned from KEC and joined in a new one and I have been posted in Abu Dhabi .

Reactions to the news :

Mom : "Wanha apna khayal rakh na "

Papa : " Char mahina ghar mein muft ki roti toda, Dhoop mein bhagega abhi to saab niklega ?"

Sister : " Tera company ka Antarkatika mein project hota to acha hota!"

All other relatives: "Ab isko shaadi karwa do."

Guy friends : "Paisa ke piche bhagke Osama ke hato marega ek din."

Friends who are girls : "Abu Dhabi mein ladkiyon ko Judo karate sikh na hoga abhi ." ( Note kiya kitna acha hun mein )

Boss : "Jaan chootee"

Would Be Boss : "Why me ??"

I don't know if it has been on discovery channel , but now I know for sure what occurs within eight minutes of a 26 year old boy landing on a decent job - planets , comets , asteroids and a number of defunctioning satellites arrange themselves in a mysterious pattern in space which leads to a cosmic energy burst infusing thoughts regarding the boy's marriage in the minds of anyone having a mind remotely aware of his existence .

Now I am just 26 , a very innocent 'kacchi kali' level age where I drool all over in my sleep , think pink frocks look cute , drop half my ketchup on my tee shirt, can’t tie my shoe lace and have this tendency to suck my thumb under acute psychological pressure . But strangely , from the day I have been back at home , thoughts of my marriage are being considered as normal as a sardaar in a joke.

Papa has been sneering me with a 'Beta abhi shaadi hogi to pata chalega world war ke time kaisa feel hota tha' followed by the traditional evil laugh .Sister has been raising her left eyebrow disturbingly high with a sly smile every time I talk of a female friend . And maa asks a "kaun thee ? " whenver my telephonic conversations with any girl exceeds three seconds . In short , while a year ago I was supposed to jump behind the nearest flowerpot at the sight of a girl, clutch the hanuman locket around my neck and remind myself that I need to make my career,these days no one is going to subject me to a round of honor killings if I keep walking and say a hello to her. After all , ab 2-3 saal mein shaadi to karega hi.

Now I have never been a guy who does the conventional thing , else I would not have poked a rubber band in my nose just to see what happens when I was a kid ( And never , I mean never ask me what happened .Stirs up too many horrible memories). So am not going to marry because every Indian guy is supposed to marry between the age of 24 and 30 .Instead , I need to think and decide if it's a good idea to marry at all.Of course , my parents expect me to marry in the next 2-4 years and show them the thobda of a fat little grandkid in 5-6 years , which , incidentally is a thing completely independent of marriage in my noble opinion .

I am always imagining things .In class , I used to imagine what I wd do if Bill Gates adopt me and make his waris to keep awake against the boring lectures. So maybe I should imagine what my life would be like if I marry / I stay a kacchi kali ( or bachelor in more under 18 level terms) .

Scenario 1 :I marry .

Now , due to an itch behind my left ear and a lack of decent names , let me name my imaginary wife , bijli devi . ( Abe tube light Basanti girl friend thi) Like any husband in a hurry , I will address her as Bijli. But you think of her as Mrs.Bijli Devi , she is not your wife after all .

I know how attractive I am . Like I was telling a friend recently , when I was seven , my classmate vomited and fainted when I proposed to her (Of course Ladki thi, ganda dimag) and I am still viewed with suspicion if any of my classmate or colleagues remain absent being sick . So mine would not be the case where Bijli first spots me as I kick start my humara Baja in the parking lot of my office and thinks I look very macho when my foot comes down and falls in love with me and thinks about me every time she hears a scooter's vroom and proposes to me the next time I am kicking my scooter and sparks fly and end up in our marriage . Even If I like someone , I am the sort of guy who feels all right after ten minutes of reading dilbert , a very "Theek hai yar , wo kaunsa mujhe pasand karti " kinda lad . So it is not very probable that I am going to propose to any prospective Bijli either . So Bijli shall come and electrify my life through an arranged marriage . Hopefully , Bijli will like me as any wife likes her husband . She will ignore my emotionally disturbing table manners , an absolute disregard for 'log kya kahenge' and my four extra canines custom made to make me look like drakula ka ristedar . I will also try to keep her happy . Kids will happen and unwarned shit and piss will happen . Me and Bijli will fight sometimes , maybe , but I won't hit her , atleast not on the head . She will also hit me , and that's fine unless she uses the flowervase or the chair .But if she hits me on the head , I don't promise I won't hit her on the head . In short , me and bijli and our kids will be a nice little family . A happy family is more important for me than anything else ( except aishwarya's legs maybe ) , so I will try to keep my family cool . Keywords : Bijli . Kids. Kid Shit on sofa . Kid Piss on keyboard . Love . A little fighting . Smiles . Kid's fees . Bijli's beauty parlor expenses . A taj mahal sized RESPONSIBILITY .

Scenario 2 :No shaadi . No Bijli.

My parents won't be happy . An emotional moment when I declare they are grandparents to a kid I adopted while working in Tanzania won't make them happy either . In short , my parents won't be happy with me if no Bijli flows into my life's lamp . They will blame all the spiritual stuff I read and all the bearded guys in saffron alive . As for me , I don't have much idea about what kind of activities , apart from writing insane things in this blog, I shall be indulging in . Maybe I will retire from work at 35 , sponsor a kid in the meantime , and spend the rest of my life touring exotic places around the world. I really don't know . I read about the meaning of life and think about it and try to read wisdom stuff , but don't know how I can use that by staying out of relations . Keywords : Freedom . Little responsibility . Unhappy parents . Early retirement . Financial ease .Meaning of life . (No Saffron MIND it)

So these are the options before me . I still have time before I come to the stage when I have to make a decision . Of course , life is like my cooking , I can put in a lot of masalas and flour and sugar but can never be sure of what comes out . Maybe I will move onto a higher level of awareness and life without marriage . Maybe I will feel the need for some Bijli when I am 40 and get a '40 but in showroom condition' types matrimonial add printed in the papers .Maybe I will find bliss in unconditional and unpossesive love I will hold for Bijli and our little sparky kids . Maybe Bijli will be very angry at the way I sit at the dining table and hit me . And if she hits me on the head , I bet Bijli shall be subjected to an electrifying revenge .

Basanti tumhara naam kya he?

I am not a social scientist. I am not even an 'intellectual-awakened-liberated' youth specimen who holds an opinion on everything from the tattoo on Rakhi Sawant's shoulder to Mongolia's nuclear policy. I am not the kind of driven youth who would lie awake at nights , look at the stars and think of ways to double India's GDP.I am a guy with views as superficial as Tusar Kapooraha 's acting skills and my understanding of social trends runs as deep as the neck line of a nun's gown. But lately , I am beginning to notice the subtle extermination of a rather happy social species - The Single male .

When I was a kid , having a girlfriend meant two things about the guy :
1. The guy ranks somewhere between Matt Damon and George Clooney on the looks index.He walks by a women's college and the girls trample the professor in their hurry to run out and catch a glimpse .
2. The guy ranks somewhere between Mukesh Ambani and Richard Branson on the financial standing index. He frequently uses a hundred rupee note to wipe his nose and his bank needed to hire an extra floor to stack his cash deposits.

But now , not having a girlfriend says two things about the guy :
1. He is gay.
2. He is definitely gay.

I mean , I look around and see even convicts serving life sentences in Tihar going around in the jail premises with the female convicts from the ladies ward. Guys who aren't even close to respecting a woman have girlfriends . Even Mika has girlfriends - two of them. To be as short as Ayesha Takia's skirt , I guess most of the Indian guys in the age group of 16-30 have a girlfriend.('Tell-me-why' query - Can someone explain to me why having a girlfriend is termed "going around" ? Does it originate from the hindi films wherein Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh spent countless hours running in circles around trees , bushes and water fountains ?).

And this social development confuses me and poses an intriguing question - When everyone around me is "going around" , and I am single , and not gay , why do I feel a girlfriend is a pretty ( or not-so-pretty) friend who eats up personal independence and hikes up phone bills ? To make things more rational , let me imagine I have a girlfriend , whom I shall call Basanti as a mark of respect to the evergreen Hema Ji. Now let me see how 'going around' with Basanti can dent my life.

1. "Kis se baat kar raha tha ?"
Basanti calls me up and finds my number to be busy .And even though the pre recorded Airtel voice says "The number you are trying to call is currently busy . Please try after some time" , Basanti hears " The guy you are trying to call up is highly cheap . He is talking to Shruti right now and is expressing is undying love to her . He may claim he was talking to his mother. Dont trust him . "Soon after I disconnect the call to ma , Basanti calls me up and before I can say a hello , yells a "Go to Hell ! And take Shruti along with you !" shattering my eardrum. The insecurity of Basanti . Sigh.

2." Wo kutta pack kar deejiye"
So it is second anniversary of the day me and Basanti first had Pav Bhaji together and she expects a gift . It's not just a gift , but a sweet 'nishani' which carries the perfumed memories of that lovely day , she says . So I go over to the Archies gallery and look at stuffed dogs and overweight teddy bears , while in my single days , I would have spent the same time watching 'Bhoothnath' at complex. After a couple of hours , I finally buy a pink and hairy dog which costs me more than the price of an island in the maldives. All the gifts a Basanti demands/requests/expects.Sigh.

3. Sniff . Sniff .
A fine lazy Sunday afternoon . I lie on the couch flipping between espn and hbo. The phone rings .Me : "hello ?"Basanti : "Sniff . Sniff."Me : "Abbe kaun hai ? agle saal bolega kya ?".Basanti : " Sniff . It's me , Basanti.Sniff.".Me : " Oh ok . You have a cold ?"Basanti : "I am....crying..sob.sob."Me : "Oh . It sounded just like a running nose though.And I saw Bhagam Bhag yesterday.The movie got so boring towards the end , even the chairs wanted to leave the hall."Basanti : " You will never understand...sniff...sniff..."The emotional intelligence and "understanding" a Basanti needs from me . Sigh.

4. "Mouth close karke kha !"
Me and Basanti are digging into a pizza at the Pizza Hut . While trying to balance a pizza slice on its journey from the tray to my mouth , a particularly big onion piece slides off its surface and lands on the table with a plop .Basanti :" Chee.Theek se kha na.Table manners !".I scoop up the onion piece from the table with my finger , put it in my mouth and say cheerfully :" Table manners gaye bihar , pizza khane de yaar"Basanti : " Sheesh. You are disgusting".While in my single days I could ravage a pizza splashing ketchup all over my shirt and chew as noisily as a tractor engine , now I need to take care I don't embarass the great manners ki dukaan , Basanti . The silly changes a Basanti demands from me . Sigh.

5. Abhi boss agaya kuch kaam karke dikhana hoga.

Sorry for the abrupt speed breaker , but chal wapas real world mein aa ja .This has nothing to do with Basanti. About Basanti , I have around 236 more points I can write against her . But still , saara zamaana , girlfriends ka deewana , so there must be something good about Basanti. Just that I don't see it