Will I ever learn to do this or not to do this? I can't even
remember - did I even begin at some point? Perhaps I got complacent and lost
track? Did it get to be too much for me, being what I was not? Behaving as I
knew not? Are there too many loopholes in these silent arrangements made with
myself? Have I put up walls for some and let others slip through the cracks?
Why did I discriminate? Why did I stop to reconsider when I should
have been brutal with myself, ruthlessly denying myself both opportunity and
pain? Why did I not block them all out once and for all? Over and over again
until it became habit, will, nature, choice?
But I look at you.
Here you are now where you should not be at all. Were you a lapse
of judgment? A weakness made real? An indulgence too extravagant? Was it
carelessness on my part or an invitation made despite myself?
It’s late now and too late tonight to lament what is lost and
count what is gained. I let you in and I don’t know if I can let you out. Or
even how. It’s going to hurt. But you’re worth it.
Yes, I’m sure.
I am ready to surrender my heart.
I am ready to brutally wounded by you.
Because you worth it..............
